New Habits and Realizations

“A Bible that’s falling apart usually belongs to someone who isn’t”

-Charles Spurgeon

If that doesn’t hit like a ton of bricks I don’t know what does. I can say with absolute certainty that my Bible is not falling apart. In fact, all the Bibles I’ve owned always look pretty good. They don’t look brand spanking new, but not well used either. And my life? Well it’s falling apart, and has been for some time now. That being said, your life won’t be picture perfect with a tattered and well-used Bible either. After all, we do live in a fallen world, troubles will find us regardless. The difference will be in our ability to handle them and view them in a different light.

“A carefully cultivated heart will, assisted by the grace of God, foresee, forestall, or transform most of the painful situations before which others stand like helpless children saying “Why?”

-Dallas Willard

My personality has leaned towards the “rebel without a cause” lane. I don’t do it on purpose, and I really wish I wouldn’t. I don’t take pride in it whatsoever. I can’t stand being told what to do, but at the same time, I’m a massive people pleaser (yes, I’m at war with myself constantly). In a joking manner, I would tend to blame my genetics when it comes to my level of stubbornness. That lovely DNA being comprised of Irish/German/French. Take into consideration my family is also full of mule-headed individuals, and that children learn by example. But let’s face it, that’s just an excuse to continue not being consistent in the Bible as much as I should be.

I’ve recognized a pattern in all of this. First, I get fed up and say I’m going to change. Then of course I start reading my Bible on a daily basis. Eventually, I let life interfere and the gap between readings gets wider and the excuses become numerous and sometimes entertaining.

“The cautious faith that never saws off a limb on which it is sitting, never learns that unattached limbs may find strange unaccountable ways of not falling.”

-Dallas Willard

It doesn’t make much sense that it’s such a difficult habit to make stick. Being a creature of habit is who I am, I like consistency. My only guess at this point is that it’s due to my level of distrust. It’s caused me to be unable to build a strong foundation for my relationship with God. Just like anyone else, I’ve been burned many times and in many ways, and that has led to a lack of confidence in myself and others. But it’s irrational to apply this expectation/limit on God. He is not prone to human fallacy. He is the definition of steadfastness, and yet I still place human limitations upon Him.

I have been sick with this wicked awful virus for over a week. My ability to breathe easily has been hindered quite a bit. But there was this one incident where I finally was falling asleep, only to start choking. My body lept out of bed in reflex and then I fell to the floor. Every muscle tensed up but also stretching in hope for more oxygen. It felt like it lasted forever, obviously that was not the case. Finally, I was able to get enough air in and then started a violent coughing fit.

I’m not sure how long I sat there in shock, struggling to put together a coherent thought.

My point in bringing all this up is that I thought I was going to die and for the first time I was scared of the possibility. In the past, death was something I did not dread. My health doesn’t always inspire the desire for a long and prosperous life (here’s to you Spock). The times that death has closed in were moments of relief for me. I know that is rather morbid sounding, but heaven is a place to look forward to, and more importantly to strive towards. We’ll get to shed all our mortal troubles and live a life that is far beyond our imagination.

“God never said that the journey would be easy, but He did say that the arrival would be worthwhile” – Max Lucado

When the shock wore off a wave of intense fear hit. I began to wonder where my standing as a daughter in Christ was. That thought was like a sucker punch to my soul. If you place your life in God’s hand’s death is not supposed to be a fearsome thought.

When I calmed down and started to look at everything, I found the true root cause of my anxiety. It hadn’t anything to do with a lack of trust in God existing, or that Jesus died to save my life. It all came down to me not living out everything I hoped/dreamed of. More importantly, I understand that the path God has for me has yet to be traversed in totality. I still want a husband one day and a family. I’d like to find a career that can work around my health. I guess it just boils down to me wanting to live the life God intended.

“Relying on God has to start all over everyday, as if nothing has yet been done.”

-C.S. Lewis

In writing all this down and organizing my thoughts on what happened a few days ago, maybe I can create a more sustainable praying/bible study type relationship with God (and a few well-used looking Bibles in the process). Whatever puzzlement I have going on within me might sort itself out now with that frightening jump start I received. It’s been 33 years on this earth and in some ways, I think I’m more confused than ever, and yet I understand more than ever before in other ways… Here’s to aiming for something different.

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